The Wicked Ingénue

Ok, a few things first.

1) I am not Kristen. I am her much less erudite friend Kerry and since today is her birthday, as her gift I graciously offered to write a blog for her. I know. My generosity is overwhelming.

2) I may not be skilled at anything more than tomfoolery, but if there’s one thing I know how to survive, it’s technology. I thank my father, who demanded we build our first computer from scratch. On the kitchen table. In 1981. I’ve had at least one in front of me ever since. And have survived many a fiasco.

3) When the frustrated updates, about the new Facebook homepage started to appear in my feed, along with the countless tech site articles I subscribe to, I realized that normal people (you) do not give a crap about the “Pros and Cons” of the new layout. I immediately recognized the need for a pretentious expert (me) to find a phone booth, transform into a cape wearing, super geek hero and save you from the diabolical clutches and evil scourge of Facebook. Good luck with that.

4) Instead, you get me and I will do my best to give you a few survival tips to get you over the hump and realize that most people like the new layout. Once they figure out where the hell everything was moved.

5) I realize this blog is absurdly long. But remember, it’s not about you. It’s about me and I like to see my words in print. If you want the info, but don’t want to read it right now, here is a printer friendly version:  Print This Post

So with that said, here we go:

Tip #1

Facebook does not care about you.

Please feel free to continue updating your status with frustrated pleas for help. Join all the “I hate the new homepage” groups and fan all the “Bring back the old layout” pages. Just be aware that Facebook is not going to change back. Even if you ask nicely (or hatefully). I’m pretty sure the people who makes these decisions at Facebook spend their days hanging out in conference rooms, congratulating each other on their self-perceived brilliance and their nights shotgunning Pabst Blue Ribbon and seeing who can mix the most tequila into their Miller’s Genuine Draft beer bongs. This is what you need to come to expect from these over-financed frat boys.

Tip #2

Everything moved from the bottom, to the top and left sides.

I’m sure you’ve figured this part out. The trick is to actually click all the links. One of the first “HELP!” messages I got was, “How do I log out?” This is actually a really valid question, since they hid the button. You’re not going to break anything by clicking the Navigation buttons across the top. The “Account” link, in the top right corner, is where they hid a lot of crucial functions. Click it. See what’s there. Change all your privacy settings to Friends Only. Seriously. You have no idea what those kids are sharing with the whole world, at your expense.

Tip #3

Make lists for all your friends.

I hope you’ve heard this one before. If you haven’t, let me say it again: Make lists for all your friends. I know all the excuses. “But pretentious expert, I have SOOOOOOOO many friends and it’s gonna take SOOOOOOO long. Ugh, do I HAAAAVE TOOOO??!” No, you do not have to. But when you finally do, you’ll find Facebook to be exponentially more functional and personal. Instead of having to subject ALL your friends/family/random high school stalkers to your, “What I made for dinner,” update; you can pick your “People who care about what I had for dinner” group and save those of us who still haven’t headed out to Carl’s Jr. from having to drool on our keyboards.

In the upper right corner click:

• Account > Edit Friends
• Look on the left sidebar now and select “All Connections”
• At the top of your connections list, click “Create New List”
• Title your list “People Who Care About My Dinner” (or on a more serious note: Mafia Wars/Farmville Friends)
• Scroll through the list of your friends and click the ones who care.
• Please leave me off the MW/FV lists. Thanks.

Tip #4

Great, now that we have friends lists, what do you do with them?

Well, the lists put us in business and all your true functionality is going to come from that. Did your brand new baby just get his first bath? Did your toddler just use the potty for the first time? Did you just make yourself the bestest sammich in the whole wide world?! Or my personal favorite, Is there a Bangkok job on your wall? Awesome and let me be the first to say congratulations!! In the meantime, you can direct these updates to the specific people who will be even more enthralled than your pretentious, loud mouthed, know-it-all friends (like me).

• At the top of the homepage, click inside the “What’s on your mind?” box
• Lower right corner now has a padlock button:

• Click that button and choose “Customize”
• Under “Make this visible to:” select the “Specific People…” drop down
• Start typing the name of your specific list of people who are going to care

You see where this is going, right? Same thing works for blocking Mr. or Mrs. Comment Humping Profile Stalker who is always the first to let you know how great they think your dinner sounds. (Ya, I apologize for that too. I promise to try and tone it down.)

Tip #5

Reduce the Feed clutter.

Moving right along, we now have options to reduce the clutter of all those people whose updates you really don’t care about (i.e. pretentious internet experts).

• On the left side of the new homepage, under your profile picture, click “Friends”

A drop down appears

• Now click your group, “People whose updates I care about”

YAY! Functionality and reduced . . . crap.

Additionally, in this drop down, is the link “Status Updates.” This is for all of you who are thinking, “Ohh dude, toootally. Man, I REALLY need to make friends lists, dude.” And then you are not actually going to, but want to benefit from reduced clutter anyway. Clicking the “Status Updates” link is the lazy facebooker’s path to clarity. I realize this tip is probably the only one you are going to use, but be advised that you are going to miss all those hilarious videos and compelling articles that I post. It’s a nightmare, I know.

Tip #6

REALLY reduce the Feed clutter.

If there is one other thing I am passionate about, it’s blocking those annoying Facebook applications (i.e. ALL of them).  One way to go about this is by hovering your pointer over an annoying update. The “Hide” option will appear:

Selecting this, will either hide the person, or in the case of applications, give you the option to hide all updates from that app.

I, on the other hand, am way more anti-application than that and I take joy in sharing this passion with you.

Underneath any application update, where it states the time the item was posted, is a clickable link to take you to the application’s Profile Page.

Click that link and resist the urge to Become a Fan. I’m serious. Put down the mouse.
Under the Application’s Profile Picture is a link to “Block Application.”

My list of blocked applications is literally in the hundreds, so as I kid about application updates, please continue to play your games and take your quizzes guilt free, because it’s not annoying me in the least. Added bonus is that by “Blocking” the applications, instead of “Hiding” them, makes me invisible to the applications too. So not only can they not share my profile information with everybody and my mother, *you* can not send me invites either. Ahhh, the application silence is golden.

Tip #7

Stay organized, while still being a friend whore.

Now that we have our super cool and functional friends lists and know how to quiet the feed, be sure to stay organized as you receive all those friend requests from your admirers/stalkers, by adding them to the appropriate list, as you approve every single one of them.

This way you can look cool and popular to all your old high school “friends”, while keeping them from pulling a “Save Image As . . .” on all the hotness of the mirror pics you migrated over from MySpace.

Bonus Tip

This is for you married but “curious” folk.

I have a feeling this is going to come as a surprise to you and you’re going to have about 5 minutes after I post this blog to follow this tip, before everyone else is going to know exactly who I am talking about.

Go to Account > Application Settings

In the drop down next to “Show:” choose “Authorized”
Click the “Profile” link in the “Zoosk” column

Block this Application!
Repeat for all the other dating apps you approved . . . out of curiousity

Again, I’m very serious about this one. I know, I know. You just wanted to see which of your friends are “dating” and what the pool of losers they have to choose from, looks like. I know you are very happy in your marriage . . . because you reposted that update about having a wonderful spouse and all. So frigging block that application because it is currently showing your bright shining face on their VERY PUBLIC list of people using the “#1 dating application on Facebook.”

Again, 5 minutes after this blog goes public, every non-married person who reads this is going to go look and despite the innocence of your curiosity, you’re going to look pretty effing shady, until you follow this tip.

(Parenthetical side tip for the single people. Be gentle when you see your married friends on this list. I’m sure it was just a one time curiosity, but remember that Facebook is run by self obsessed frat boys, who made it easy to peek in on applications like this, but very difficult to remove them. Just share the link to this blog or send it in a private message. And try to refrain from tagging them all personally as you post this to your updates.)

Ok, that’s it for my New Facebook Homepage Survivor’s Tips. There is a vast amount of functionality and convenience to the update, but I think the frat boys were drunk when they rolled it out, because they forgot to a) warn anyone or b)  include any friendly user instructions. Since I know without doubt (because I know everything, of course), that I have not answered all the questions you have, please feel free to use the comments section to ask all of the emergency, “How the hell do I . . . ???” questions that are haunting you. And then share this post on Facebook, so that we can all see less dinner and poopy diaper updates. Unless you care about that sort of thing, of course.

Kerry is a pretentious, self-proclaimed expert on well, everything really. When he’s not hanging out in conference rooms, congratulating his frat boy buddies on their self-perceived brilliance, he’s shotgunning Pabst Blue Ribbon and looking for anyone who wants to compete for who can mix the most tequila into their Miller’s Genuine Draft beer bong. What’d you expect?